I mean, given the circumstances, I was trying to seem polite and solemn. Are you telling that that is not how you act is such cases, that instead I should have loosened up and acted random, seeming disrespectful at an occasion dedicated to someone I'd never met before?

I honestly have no idea.

But don't think for a moment that I didn't get slightly annoyed.

They may be more important, but a cynical judgement is still cynical.

Then again, perhaps I am just venting because they may be right. And I know it too, but I just don't want to lose. I just want to remain in the right, because that's how I am. Defensive, and in that sense, paranoid. It really just peeved me off.

It's not the first time, but the impact never diminishes.

And then when I hear those words pop up, and I think to myself, that if it had happened to other people, why couldn't it happen to me?

I mean, it just isn't logical.

I could explain, but I won't. That statement wasn't logical, either, simply because there was no reason for such a statement to be made.

Yet there was, admittedly, reason for the statements they made.

I just feel like it was way too far behind my back.

Right now I just need to vent.

My room is amazingly hot, even with the fan blowing directly at me, I am still sweating.

My dog is being annoying, barking in its high pitched tone.

My room door is closed, because I don't want company.

My palms are warm from resting on the keyboard, which has been growing hotter because of poor ventilation in the design of my laptop.

My mind is half-awake, and the other half probably dead.

My throat feels dry, even though I've already had a crazy amount of water entering my system throughout the course of the day.

My neck aches, with a reason completely unbeknownst to me.

My brain racks itself with more things for me to be unhappy about.

My eyes are looking through this list once more.

My nose inhales, then exhales.

I take everything in the list above, metaphorically, and put them all into a metaphorical red ball-like capsule, which, defying the nature of science, is completely hard, has a solid, fixed shape, and yet is malleable and manipulatable into different shapes.

I put everything in through a cap at the top, and seal it up again.

I inhale, and exhale.

I inhale, and the inhale, and the capsule grows bigger. It is the focus now of my mind's eye.

I exhale, and it decreases in size.

I inhale sharply, and watch it grow exponentially.

I hold my breath, and crush the capsule, squeeze it and force it until it becomes 10 times smaller.

I exhale, long and slow, and watch it become smaller, so small till it disappears.

Now the only thing annoying me is the heat, which I can never make go away.

I'm sorry if I 'bullied' you, or at times said stupid things.

Sometimes I just don't think through my words, or my actions. I'm selfish that way. Sometimes.

There's no excuse; it hasn't been hell on me, I'm not pissed, there's no massive alien invasion happening tomorrow and I'm the only one who can stop it. There's no excuse, and that's just it.

I'm like that.

Today, I have no pretty words.

All I have is honesty and a metaphorical stress ball, that only metaphorically works.

It actually doesn't.

-1820, 2-5-10