i think.
i'm in love.
not with her, but someone else...
someone who seems to be on the dislike list of many, but ignorant about it.
and as usual i can't figuire out whether this is my heart or my brain.
because it has happened before.
i am still wary
and most defnitely unsure.
Holidays have begun.
And I'm starting day 1 of fun and relaxation by going back to school later. in maybe 7 hours time.
-12.18 a.m, 30-5-09
Today, I told myself something.
I can't remember what it was.
Honestly, what's the point?
I
I want to
To see the world
The world in its beauty
Beauty and magnificence
Magnificence, from the peak of the tallest mountain
Mountain covered in pale, pure, blissful snow
Snow that brings me shivers and yet
Yet a delightful warmth
A delightful warmth just to have
To have seen the world
The world I want to
To see.
-8.11 p.m, 28-5-09
I am a slow mover.
And often left behind in things of the past.
Changes are my significant difficulty.
-11.55 p.m, 26-5-09
Today, I sent an sms to a local radio station, answering the question "What is your greatest regret?"
Since I was feeling like revealing my long-term lovestruck mind to the public in general, I sent an sms that basically contained the implied meaning that I regretted wasting 4 years not telling her how I felt. The DJs started scolding me from behind that box, and my parents, who didn't know I sent the SMS, cracked a joke. It went like this:
"Imagine, later he send another sms 'My biggest regret now is telling her how i felt about her.' ".
That certainly made my day suddenly be filled with an abundance of sunshine and warmth. Oh, most definitely.
And today presented me with another realization. Nobody sees me as a threat. At all. Apparently I can be present when a secret is revealed to a small group of people, overhear it, and then as the victim mercilessly begs each and every one of the people to not shout it out to the world, I am often mislooked. At times, the revelation is even directed to me, with no warnings to keep my mouth shut. In all scenarios, the group/victim are people whom I directly know. Am I really a 0 reading on the threat scales?
Food for thought, but my brain is frying unhealthy.
-10.31 p.m, 21-5-09
Halfway there.
Guess all I needed to do was to not think about making humorous stanzas and let rhyming inhibit me, althought I admit every line rhymes with the previous of its kind. Now I'm left with a line of strings and the background melody.
Though to be brutally honest, I find it very artificial, shallow and most definitely immature.
Dammit.
10.43p.m, 20-5-09
Now I see why people relate thinkin deeply to being emo. In that case, I'm perfectly fine being labelled that, by first-time viewers with no real insight to my true character, an introverted, non-intuitive, semi-logical person with a dangerous fear of being lonely, while resenting the need to be around others.
Until then,
I'm only staring into the dark void brought by a toturing night sky.
-10.20p.m, 19-5-09
Rummaging through a A4-sized notebook, I found this.
Resolution
Each year resolutions are made
Promises to oneself to be kept and held true
But most times, more often that not
They fade and are forgotten, left to rot
In the darkest recesses of the mind
This new year three resolutions I'll make
To better myself, in my eyes and of those around me
Total strangers who's first impression
Is significantly impacting self-esteem
The first two are easy enough
But the third hurts the most
To stay away, to move away, from you
And get over 4 years of wasted time
Your exquisite face, your cheerful attitude
Your easy-going style and unexpected intellect
Are all part of what I'm getting over
Because it only seems fair if I let go of something that never held back
Wrote it in secondary 4. I forgot all about it till today.
And it only serves to drive up my EF scale.
EF:A whopping-a-doodly 9.2
KAi psoted at 9.18p.m, 18-5-09
I realized songs aren't really my thing. I've been thinking, racking my brain for close to a quarter of a year and still I can't even get a title, let alone a verse, let alone a chorus, let alone a bridge, let alone a chord progression.
Instead I am a writer, but even if that is the case, I am certainly not a good one. I confuse my readers too much for any use to come out of it.
So I'm back to square one, to determine my talent.
Jack of all trades, master of none. I've always hated this idiom, because I've always been afraid that I have to embrace it one day.
I'm pretty sure today it is one day.
I'm pretty sure today it is one day.
EF:5.5
Kai psoted at 10.33 p.m, 17-5-09
We sat in silence, staring at the sun set sweet above our heads
While gentle breezes kissed our skin and whispered our thoughts
Then the silver moon cast its spotlight unto us
And we looked into each others' eyes
I dreamt this up, while glaring meaninglessly at the flourescent screen of my laptop.
And I realised, dreams truly are a beautiful product of imagination, coupled with just a dash of facts, a slice of hope, and a tiny dose of anti-reality. This way all ingredients complement each other by removing the knowledge that dreams this grand rarely, if ever, come through for us by becoming true for us. And that's when the stingy, salty sensation called 'tears' comes into play. Not that they ever need to be shed.
EF: 8
Kai posted at 10.15p.m, 15-5-09
You know what I like?
Leaving people clueless when i speak, type or write.
I have a very strange ability to communicate in circles, misleading people in their thinking, making them believe I am merely stating something irrelevant, something they will shake off their shoulders and remove from their memories in two instants of a moment.
Coupled with the general paradigm that I am a trustworthy character, as well as my introvertedness, I guess I can't really blame those select few who I constantly practice on.
But another food for thought, is how I seem to be so easily recognizable, fairly in the good light of other's perceptions and yet at the same time my face blends in so effortlessly with the crowd, people have walked past me, their bodies not even half an arms length away, yet they don't seem to register my presence in their immediate surroundings. It is sometimes frustrating, especially when I wave at them, but the don't notice, and I am stuck looking like a retarded fool for having mistaken somebody for someone else (not possible, since I only ever wave people who I hundred percent recognize). And until now, I cannot think at all of an episode where this...'talent'.... has done me any good.
So for now, I'll remain under the radar, out of focus, and maybe when I do appear, the impact will be oh so much greater.
Till then.
EF:4
Kai posted at 10.21 p.m, 13-5-09
Like what I've done?
I've arranged my links in alphabetical order.
And I've removed all the links which lead to a deleted blog.
Dead blogs are still there, that is if the link doesn't lead you to a white screen with the box that says "Error: This blog does not exists!" Or something similar to the sentence within the inverted commas.
Yes, yes, you're welcome.
EF:2
Kai posted at 5.19 p.m, 11-5-09
Here's to you, procrastination.
Oh, and happy mom's day.
Kai posted at 3.52 p.m, 10-5-09
iamnotemoiamnotemoiamnotemo
do you need me to do another emo post just to show you?
blergh.
...
..
.
.
..
...
ok.
EF: 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
See that? the emo-factor says ZERO.
Kai posted at 10.24 p.m, 7-5-09
Random trains of thought tax my anti-fatigue defenses greatly.
It's like a brain cramp.
Funny how all the subjects I take leave me gasping for breath at the same time.
Chemistry's Intermolecular Bonding Parts 1, 2 and 3 have passed me in a blur.
Maths Sequences and Progressions is making me rethink my numbers.
Economics elasticity is seriously stretching me too thin.
And Physics projectile motion just launched my brain into dead space.
Suprisingly, every single chapter for all these subjects before those listed above were so manageable.
And then they all struck at the same time.
GodammitIneedtocatchupverybadly.
EF: 2 (but a hell lot of grumbling!)
Kai posted at 8.51 p.m, 4-5-09
So says facebook.
I was quite surprised.
Curiousity that led me to this kind of test before told me i only had 16% compatibility with the girl of my dreams.
I am forced to once again acknowledge the lost oppurtunities.
Hooray for salt in this nearly healed wound.
Kai psoted at 9.12 p.m, 1-5-09